I truly didn’t realize I hadn’t posted since August until I was looking back through my posts…definitely didn’t mean for that to happen. I’m back for now, or attempting to be.
Today: reacting to the 2016 post Why and How to Set Personal Modesty Standards. Boy, is this going to be a good one to reconsider.
So you understand what modesty is and why it’s important. But if you aren’t used to dressing modestly, where do you start? How do you know what’s modest and what isn’t?
If you try to do research, it can only take a few articles before you start to be completely overwhelmed at the different opinions and standards out there. Some people say women shouldn’t even wear pants; some people just say not to wear bikinis and leave it at that. How do you know what God really wants?
I think this is still true for the most part. Thankfully, many of the overly legalistic standards seem to be dying out, at least in most of the circles I run in (although they are certainly out there). Still, there can be a lot of confusion about what exactly dressing modestly means.
There’s a truth I would like to establish here, right off the bat:
Everyone’s standards will be different.
There is a starting place for our standards, of course; some things are obviously immodest. But when it comes to the more grey areas of modesty, your standards may be different from other peoples’, and that is completely okay.
Two things to remember here: don’t judge others if they don’t follow your standards and don’t feel guilty if you aren’t as conservative as some people.
This is an important point; modesty is an area in which the Bible gives (very very general) principles, and so it will be an area in which Christians have wildly different convictions. That is okay, and it does not make someone more holy to try and force your standards of modesty onto them.
I state pretty confidently in this post that “some things are obviously immodest”. While I still think that’s true to a certain extent, I would venture to say that many of the things I had in mind when I wrote this original post are not things I would put in the “obvious” category any longer. But we’ll get more into that as we go along.
If you are very conservative, that’s great! If God has convicted you to dress very modestly, maybe even stop wearing pants, that is what you should do. But not everyone will be convicted of that, and you should not expect everyone to follow the same strict standards. If they truly are dressing immodestly, that’s one thing, but if it’s a matter of Christian liberty, let other people determine their standards for themselves.
On the flip side, if you are a little less conservative, you should not feel guilty about that. If you truly think you need to dress more modestly, then yes, you should try to make some changes. But if you have thought through your standards and come to the conclusion that you are dressing in a God-honoring way, don’t feel that you have to dress more modestly to somehow be “more Christian”. That’s not the way it works.
One thing that needs to be said here applies to those on the more conservative side of the spectrum. I am certainly not telling you to throw away the genuine convictions of your conscience. Romans 14 is clear that for those who have a stricter conscience, to violate their conscience is sin for them (verse 23). But I do want to encourage you to question whether your views of modesty are coming from the Lord and from your conscience or whether they are societally imposed based on legalism and shame.
With that said, how should you go about developing your personal standards?
Pray about it.
Start by praying. Ask that God would show you how He wants you to dress and convict you of anything you’ve been wearing that is not modest.
Write them down.
As you think about what your standards are, write them down, whether in a journal, on a sticky note, on your computer, or on your phone. Having them written down will make you much more accountable to yourself.
Be as specific and detailed as possible.
Cover as many situations as you can. That way, if you’re ever in a position of doubt, you won’t be tempted to dress immodestly. Prepare as much as you can ahead of time!
Consider sharing them with someone else.
For extra accountability, share your standards with a Christian family member or friend. They can encourage you if you feel discouraged in modesty and gently remind you of your standards if you start to let them slide.
…and right after this paragraph, I wrote a massive, detailed, bulleted list of particular standards to set, like shirt sleeves and skirt length and things “you will likely want to avoid altogether”…
And this is where my opinions really start to diverge from what I wrote in 2016. I’m certainly an advocate of prayer about this. Genuine, deep communion with God is the only way that we will be sensitive to the convictions of our conscience and be able to use wisdom in these grey areas.
Besides that, I don’t think any of these steps are necessary.
I am a checklist person. I always have been. And as a teenager, I sometimes let that influence areas of my life that it should not have influenced. This was one of them. I have since come to think that modesty should not be based on a list of specific rules, but on a daily thoughtfulness that is guided by the Holy Spirit through our conscience.
It really doesn’t have to be this complicated. It doesn’t have to be this structured, either. For one thing, environment plays a role in this, meaning that the same standards will not apply for every situation all the time.
For another thing, the checklist just isn’t necessary. At least in my experience, if I am wearing something that maybe isn’t a wise choice, I will feel uncomfortable or self-conscious. I will know, based on my own discomfort. And so for me, more often than not modesty is motivated based on choosing the clothing that will make me feel comfortable and confident as I go about my day.
I think this is a much healthier approach to take anyway. Actively build your relationship with God. Pray about this topic. And then get dressed thoughtfully in the morning, taking your environment into account and being sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. That’s how the Christian life is supposed to work.
Pray over your standards again once they are completed. Ask God to bless your modest dressing and help you not to be legalistic about it, but rather to use it as one more way to showcase his glory to the world.
A final note: your standards may very well change and evolve as you grow older and more mature, and that’s totally okay! Convictions will change and develop as our faith develops.
Oh, sixteen-year-old Grace. Did she not see the contradiction of these paragraphs with everything she had just said?
There is no way to make a list of standards, as detailed as I was suggesting, and not be legalistic about it. That, by definition, is legalism.
Also, the fact that convictions change over time is in itself a very reason not to write down such strict standards. The process of sanctification happens over a lifetime. Prayer and thoughtfulness, built on a relationship with God, makes room for this sanctification to occur, for us to change and grow and develop in our Christian walk.
That is a much more vibrant Christian life to live than anything based on checklists and measurements.
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? How do you avoid legalism when it comes to modesty?
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love, grace
True and Pure 